Sunday, 12 February 2012

BLOG (PERSONAL) -- Me and My Past Relationships

Well, here is my long and boring blog. I'll be blogging about my past relationships. Strangely, over the years, I have never written about my relationships on a whole. I've written journal entries here and there (I still do), but I think my consistent journal-writing stopped when I started getting into relationships. Sometimes I was so happy that I'd want to write about it, but sometimes I was so unhappy that I never wanted to leave a record of such thoughts. To make sure I wouldn't figure out exactly when I was unhappy (because I would wonder and notice such things if given the chance), I stopped journal-writing almost completely. I remember writing something that I considered so negative that I stapled the pages together.

Of course, I won't mention any names, and I will blog about my relationships out of order. I will also throw in a fake relationship. I doubt anybody would really be interested in this blog, but I have to do this -- to at least protect their identities somewhat. If any of my friends read this, I hope they won't be able to tell at all who I'm talking about ('cept my sister and maybe my past boyfriends), because I try my best not to talk about my relationship troubles to anybody ('cept my sister). If my friends are also friends with my boyfriend, I never want to put them in a position where they may even think they have to choose sides. It's not fair.

I've already said this once, but I'll say it again: this blog will be long and boring. I'm really writing this for myself. My exes will probably want to stay away from this blog -- it's quite depressing and may bring back old wounds. You have been warned.

The Very Beginning
I had my first relationship in my last year of high school. I find it very ironic that that's when I got into my first relationship. Before the school year even started, I told myself, This is my last year -- I have to focus on school. I will not like anybody this year

Years before, I was drawing the conclusion that maybe Love didn't exist at all -- or rather, True Love. A love that lasts forever. I couldn't understand how two individuals, among a population of over a billion, could both look to each other and share the same kind of feeling for each other. It seems almost impossible. I mean, how would each of them know? That what they feel is love that will last? That that person is the one? Now I don't think that -- I think it's possible... or at least, I have hope for it. I want to believe in such a love.

Timeline (roughly)
#1 -- November 2002 - January 2003
My song for him: "Thank You for Loving Me" -- Bon Jovi

#2 -- January 2003 - June 2003 (I remember random students calling me a player because of this)
My song for him: "Crucify My Love" -- X-Japan

#3 -- September 2003 - February 2004
My song for him: Not telling

#4 -- September 25, 2004 - December 27, 2008
My song for him: "Dreaming of You" -- Selena

#5 -- April 1st, 2009 - July/September 2011
My songs for him: "All That I Needed" -- Jeremy Budd + "Bizarre Love Triangle" -- Frente

Aspects That I Put Up with That I Won't Ever Put Up with Again
- Smoking
- Drug-use
- Guy liking somebody else
- An affair relationship

Just to re-iterate, these relationships will be blogged out of order. 
"Relationship A" will NOT equal #1 in my timeline.

Relationship A
I sacrificed a lot for this guy. My parents were threatening to disown me, and I was willing to give up almost everything for him. I saw it as me standing up for him/fighting for him. Because I loved him. And I wanted to show him that the world could be bright and positive. And that he could experience that brightness and positivity as well. I was truly off in my own world -- I was so happy.

In the very beginning, it was like a dream -- magic, romance, tons of affection. Later on, though, it changed. The magic was gone. The romance was gone. Affection was reduced to the bare minimum. To me, it seemed like that was the only thing that changed in his life -- how he interacted with me. His interactions with his friends, other people -- other things that he did on his own time -- nothing else seemed to change. I began to wonder, Is it me? Later on, I started to think, Is there someone else? 

I became needy and dependent. And jealous. I talked about it with him multiple times, especially about the lack of affection. After a talk, things would improve. But after a while, they went back to how it was. In the end, I came to the conclusion that I would have to try to take the initiative. At that same time, though, I couldn't fully appreciate his actions since they were only responses to my actions. So more talks ensued. And the same cycles continued. Eventually, after a confrontation about a serious issue, he broke up with me.

Relationship B
This relationship was a mistake. And I'll tell you why: I never really liked him. I'm not proud of this, being in a relationship where I didn't like the guy. At the time, I thought This guy's too cute for me. This relationship won't last. But right now, it looks like he needs me. So I'll be with him until he doesn't need me anymore. He'll find somebody better-looking than me and he'll leave. Well, he never broke up with me, so I had to (do I sound heartless?).

Early on in the relationship, there were a few issues that stood out to me. One was his display of affection. He was all for showing huge displays of romantic affection in front of others (like when we're hanging out with friends), but he never showed such actions when we were alone. It made me wonder, Was our relationship just for show? Despite his non-romantic nature when we were alone, he still expressed an interest in something -- something I wasn't willing to give so early in the relationship. He also did something that told me I could not trust him. And this all happened within the first few weeks of the relationship.

Because I did not really like him, I started liking somebody else... while I was with him. That's when I knew I had to break up with him. Will NEVER get into a relationship like this again.

Relationship C
This relationship was, sadly, an affair. The guy had a girlfriend (long distance relationship) when we got together. He told me that he was going to break up with her, but he never did (will never get into a relationship like that again). While I was with him, though, I tried to be understanding and accepting of him -- listening to his troubles, trying to give him words of encouragement, trying to help him to see that he can have the strength to help himself.

Unfortunately, the effect of my words on him were like eating pieces of chocolate: sweet for those brief moments, and then gone. Almost everyday, on the phone, he would tell me things like "This relationship won't last", "You'll leave me", "I don't deserve you", "I don't have the strength to get through this", "There is nothing left of me to give..." By the end of each day, I was feeling emotionally drained... and this pained hopelessness, telling me over and over that I can't help him.

Relationship D
This guy put me through mental hell. He was unreliable -- he almost never meant what he said or he would have one opinion one day and another opinion another day. It made it very difficult to have discussions of anything -- or rather, it made it difficult for me to see where he stood for certain issues. But then, during times when I really needed him, he'd come through for me. And I loved him for that. He was also very accepting of me. My weaknesses -- my shortcomings -- my worries -- he accepted them all.

Because of that, I couldn't leave him. I kept thinking that I would never find another who would be so accepting of me. Whenever we talked about certain issues, he'd get offended and tell me that if I ever bring it up again, that the relationship would be over. That put me through a lot of emotional pain. When I'm with somebody, I'm with him with the hope that we would be together forever. All I saw from those interactions would be a future of uncertainty -- and restraint. Having to be careful all the time. Unable to voice certain concerns for fear of the relationship ending. Each day was almost colourless for me.

Close to the end, I thought, Somebody please save me from this... I just wasn't strong enough to leave him and be on my own. Soon after I made that plea, somebody did save me -- or rather... showed me that I could be on my own.

Relationship E
When I first got into this relationship, I was happy and joyful (I always am when starting a relationship), until I saw that he liked somebody else while liking me. It felt like my whole world was turned upside down. I only knew because I was able to pick up on it -- from the gestures and exchanges. I could tell right away that she was important to him. Some of my friends told me that it was normal for a guy to like somebody else while in a relationship, but I couldn't accept it -- it didn't make sense to me. I can only like/love one person at a time.

I became jealous right away, and I didn't like it. I didn't like myself for being in such a relationship. What I really wanted to do was break up with him and have him choose once and for all. Me being with him like that, I more or less felt like a 2nd choice -- because he liked her before he liked me -- and he still liked her while with me. For that time, I was very sad and depressed. I kept thinking such dark and negative thoughts -- and I knew it wasn't fair to her.

Something minor that bugged me in the beginning that became an issue with me later on was him acting/re-acting based off of other people's expectations of him. It really bothered me because I saw that as chains restricting him from doing things that he really wanted to do. This played a huge part in why I broke up with him. It may not seem like a big thing, but to me, it is. I mean, when it comes down to making big decisions, how would you make your decision? Based off of what you want? Or based off of what you think others want? I'm guilty of being so shy and quiet around unfamiliar people because I don't want to do/say something that others may not like. But when it comes to making decisions -- having opinions -- they are my own.

Relationship F
I thought, As long as we're together, we'll get through anything. To this guy, I showed him all of myself. If I had any thoughts or worries -- about myself or the relationship -- I never hid it from him. I was "naked" before him. As a result, I placed a lot of dependencies on him -- the constant hope/worry that my "naked" self would be accepted -- and I never realized it. If I was jealous of him and somebody, he'd know about it (once he made me jealous intentionally -- ugh). If I thought about the future and us, he'd know about it. Whenever I felt ignored while we were hanging out, he'd know about it. I was smothering him with too much...

The guy was going through some issues of his own as well, so he couldn't always be there for me. And sometimes his responses would hurt me. Whenever I was unhappy, I kept telling myself, I love him. He loves me. We'll get through this no matter what. Of course we shared some happy times. He was a really fun and funny guy to be around, though way too perverted.

When he broke up with me, I was very sad and depressed. I don't think I showed it to my friends, but at that point, I was seriously thinking of... well, ending my life. I couldn't do it directly. I had made a promise to somebody before that "I would never lift a finger to exact my death", and I like to make good on my promises whenever I can. So I was just reckless. If I could get away with not eating, I wouldn't. I was more reckless when crossing streets. I just wasn't careful at all whenever I was outside. Each day that passed was like an indescribable hell. 

Current Status + Reflections
Right now, I am single. And after blogging about these past relationships, I can see that I am not in a very good state to be with anybody right now.

Love is very important to me. I can say with certainty that without Love, I will always feel slightly incomplete (don't feel sorry for me). But being dependent and needy, smothering -- I don't think that's what it means to love. I'm glad that at least I now know why I've been like that through the years -- it all comes down to how I was raised. 

Ingrained in me were these thoughts as I grew up: "Don't waste somebody's time", "Once you're at a friend's place, you'll be a burden to your friend and their family", "You'll be a bother to your friends", etc., etc., the same words expressed over and over and in so many different ways. Though I don't think it showed, I had next-to-no self-value or self-worth. Always thinking I was a bother or a burden on somebody. Eventually, I thought, Love wouldn't think I was a bother. Love wouldn't think I was a burden. Love wouldn't think I was wasting its time. Love would accept me. And the rest is history.

Now, I'd like to say my state of mind is better -- or that it's getting better. I never realized it over the years, but I always valued myself. This time -- next time -- another time -- I want to be able to really treasure Love when it's there in front of me.

If you read all of this... um, well, thanks. And you're crazy! If you read all of this and you're one of my exes: if you're angry, feel free to tell me. Please don't beat me up, though.

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